We asked sailors to send us their on-the-water "relationship" questions for our new online column, and the questions started rolling in. Here's the third installment:
Dear Stefina,
I'm glad you have this blog! I have so many questions. My main question is this: my husband is a boat tyrant. No matter what I do on the boat it's not good enough. He's always asking that I do certain things and he just can't see that I'm trying. What can I do to make him understand that I'm doing the best that I can? He's not like this at home-just on the boat. Thanks for you help.
Dear Wife or shall I say Saint?
Unfortunately this Bad Boy Boat Behavior (BBBB) is one of the most common problems between sailing couples. Many sailors, particularly of the male persuasion, seem to personify the definition of control freak. BUT on a boat, this can be a good thing! The control freak hubby makes ensures you are safe, the boat is in tip top shape, and all crew is up to snuff. But nobody wants to be yelled at, nor do you deserve to be.
Your husband is a lucky guy. You want to sail with him, you are willing to follow your captain's orders AND you are seeking a solution to the problem. Plus, my guess is that you're a very capable crew member. I bet you also make great sandwiches and have beautiful boat shoes. (Let's be honest, if you're going to be confined to a boat you at least need to look good!)
So what can we do to get the loving land husband to become a sensible sea skipper? A few suggestions:
1. Read the book" Boat Bastard" by Deborah Van Rooyen (Boatbastard.com). You'll see that you are not alone. It's a must read for anyone in a stormy boat relationship.
2. Change the boat chemistry. Invite others on board and let them be the crew so you can relax and just look pretty. Nothing like an outsider for our loved ones to step up their behavior. I always invite outsiders to Thanksgiving dinner. It's amazing how much nicer my family acts.
3. Try being the skipper for a day. Demonstrate how easy it is to give orders in a calm, and loving manner. Role reversal can be very effective. If you're not comfortable being at the helm, take sailing lessons. There are many options in the Annapolis area (just look in Spinsheet)..and perhaps you can teach hubby a few things about sail trim.
4. Of course the obvious thing is to talk to about the "ego behind the wheel," but I am certain that you have already tried that or you wouldn't be asking Stefina.
Wishing you calm seas and an even calmer captain,
~ Stefina
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We know how romantic relationships–and even friendships–can get a little weird on the water...
Stefina is a licensed social worker who would like to answer your questions, in the same style as a sort of Sailing Dear Abby or in the same vein as the New York Times Social Q’s.
Send us a few onboard challenges you are facing with your first mate (or bestie), and we’ll let our columnist dish out some advice… Send questions to [email protected]
