If you’re like us, you start to panic this time of year, just thinking about the NOODs and the inevitable moment you have to step on a scale and let a judge weigh you in front of your whole crew. Those judges are supposed to tell you what direction the wind is coming from, not what is considered an appropriate BMI. But never fear, we have some great ideas to help you lose weight before the big day.
The ‘Arrrrgh-sters’ Diet
Low carb, Paleo, and even sustainable! In this diet, you hunter-gather oysters for every meal for three weeks. You gain upper arm strength hauling those cages out before every meal, and you lose weight through the help of norovirus. You weren’t going out this weekend anyway.
The Wrestler’s Diet
In this somewhat controversial diet, you fashion a suit out of garbage bags and sit in the cabin while your crew sails around on a very hot spring day. You sweat off up to 10 pounds of water weight; your crew gets in a good practice day. This diet should be performed only by those who have at least 10 pounds in water weight to lose, and those who don’t have the respect of their crew to begin with.
The Annapolis Ladies’ Diet
When you realize that you have to size up in your Lily Pulitzer dress again, you switch Dark n’ Stormies to straight vodka on ice; you do 300 squats a day to Katy Perry hits; and your Pinterest board goes crazy with kale recipes. This lasts up until the St. John’s College vs. U.S. Naval Academy Croquet Match, when you drink an entire bottle of prosecco and eat your weight in Thin Mints. But at least you looked awesome in your Lily dress when they were carrying you out of Stan and Joe’s!
The Bowman’s Diet
This is the diet where your crewmembers stress you out so much that you start smoking again. You’re constantly fighting with everyone around you. You lose your appetite, and you slowly start to lose interest in life. The pounds just disappear.
The Davis’ Pub Diet
This is the diet where you order a crab pretzel and a bacon cheeseburger without any bun. Then, you use the crab pretzel as your bun. And that judge can keep her feelings to the race course.
